KateC Says...

On Moving On

Help!

I'm in a bit of pickle, I guess you could say. I have a friend, let's call her M. She was has been raped twice in her life. Once when she was younger and the other time was about 2 months ago. When I first met her(I met her almost a week after her 2nd attack), she talked to me about it and I was there for her and listened. She was very open about it to me.

I'm a person that is always there for my friends, through thick and thin. But it seems like any time this girl comes in contact with me, she talks about her rape. For a while, I was willing to listen. But now it's all she talks about. I completely understand that she wants to get it out, but she talks about it so much that it's really starting to drain me. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I say the same things over and over again.

I feel terrible for feeling this way, but she has a therapist, also. So she talks about all of this with a professional and then she talks to me and who knows who else. Is there anything I can do about this? I don't want to hurt her feelings and make it out like I don't care. I care a lot. I'm just really drained and I haven't even been able to get to know her as a PERSON, just a rape victim.

This is a really tricky situation to be in!  I'm not confident that I have a great answer for it, but I'll offer some suggestions.

Your friend has obviously been through something terrible and traumatic -- and twice!  She must be in a stage of recovery where she is wanting to get it all out in the open and re-hash it and think about it all of the time.  Perhaps this is just a fleeting stage on her path to living as a survivor (as opposed to victim), or perhaps she is stuck in this phase and so deeply entrenched that she can't move on.

I recommend that, when you are talking about this in a serious, engaged manner, you offer her some honest advice for helping her move forward.  First, perhaps suggest a survivors support group so that she has somewhere to go in addition to her therapy to just dump all of this -- but also to see where other victims and survivors are in their paths to recovery.  It might both help her to process all of this and talk about it and to move out from her own situation and start considering the situations of others.

You might also suggest to her that she start consciously concentrating hard on other aspects of her life -- to throw herself into her interests or work, to branch out and learn about something new, to basically help open her world back up to all the breath and depth that the world has to offer beyond these traumatic experiences.  Express it not as though she's a bore or that she's obsessed, rather that opening up and re-expanding her life experiences will be a way to empower herself and help her redefine herself as a person beyond these assaults.

Last, but most importantly, I think that you should try to shift the focus of your time together away from this dwelling on the rapes.  You are definitely being a good friend in listening and offering support, but I agree that you need to be able to get to know her in other aspects of her life too.  Try to invite her to do things that are active and distracting.  See a movie (not about sexual assault).  Go to a play or a musical performance or an art exhibit.  Try to exercise together or play games together with other people -- anything that will take the focus off of this topic and help encourage her to respond differently than she normally does to your presence.  Action and attention to activities should be the defining characteristics of this tactic.  You don't want a lot of pensive, quiet downtime every single time you see her. 

It speaks very well for you that she's comfortable opening up and sharing her experiences with you.  You have been a good friend to listen and offer support this whole time.  You can become an even better friend if you are able to help guide her beyond her trauma, through directing her to new resources, planting the seeds for growth and change in her consciousness, and physically dragging her out and distracting her with wonderful, beautiful, positive things that the world has to offer. 

I don't know how well any of this will work, but it's all worth a try.  I think that she's definitely in a stage of recovery here, I just hope that it's a transient stage, both for her and her continued recovery, and for you and your ability to make a deep and complex friendship.  If she's stuck in this phase, I think your best bet is to push her gently but firmly in the direction of progress and recovery.

Eye Contact

If you could post this in your blog when you get around to it that would be nice :) I know you are busy with your pregnancy and what not so no rush! thank you in advance!

I have issues looking people in the eye, and I'm not sure why (haha, rhyme!). While I have been trying to be better about this lately, I still seem to be having problems. The only person I can look in the eyes without any problems is my boyfriend, whom I trust more than anyone else. Maybe I'm just good at hiding it, as I've only been called out on it one time. So my question is, is this a trust issue? Am I just weird? It doesn't seem like anyone else has this problem.

Thanks, everyone, for being so understanding about my time these days!  I'm falling behind in my blogging in order to tie up loose ends at school.  I really appreciate all your understanding and patience.  I haven't forgotten any of you!  Just moving more slowly than usual.

Poster, you are definitely not the only person in the world who has trouble with eye contact.  I sometimes struggle to look people in the eye when I talk to them.  My husband has pointed out that I tend to look at him in group conversations instead of the other people we're talking with.  For me, I think it's lack of practice.  I don't get to talk to that many people on a daily basis anymore (that sounds so depressing), so when I do, I'm a bit unaccustomed to it and a bit less comfortable than I used to be, and my gaze wanders where it is comfortable -- back to my husband.  I have noticed that my brother is even worse about eye contact than I am.  He half closes his eyes and tilts his head away when he's talking to someone.  He's a very social person.  He loves to talk to people.  For him, it isn't social anxiety, just something about eye contact. 

The first step to solving any little social obstruction is to identify it.  You've done this.  You know that eye contact is a problem for you, so now you can begin to work towards change.

Like any bad habit, it's going to take some self-awareness and conscious self-control to change your ways.  You realize, in general, that you avoid eye contact.  Now you have to remember to recognize when you're doing it in the moment.  In the midst of talking to someone, try to keep track of your gaze.  You may benefit from some help from your boyfriend in this.  Tell him to give you a cue if you're avoiding eye contact with someone else.  Some subtle signal to help remind you that you're missing your mark.  This may help keep you conscious of your eyes.

When you recognize your eyes straying, you have to force yourself to return your gaze to your conversation partner.  If it is just too hard and too intimate to look the person straight in the eye, try looking at something close, like the bridge of her nose or the eyebrow.  This may help you feel less vulnerable while helping to re-train you to more intimate and polite conversation style.

In time, you should strive to look people directly in the eye.  Take whatever baby steps you need to take to get there.  Move to the ear first, then to the corner of the eye, then to the pupil itself.  You're trying to develop a new habit, to ingrain it in yourself.  It will feel forced and awkward at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will become.  

Eye contact is important.  It helps show that you are paying attention when someone is speaking.  It forms a bond that allows for more open communication.  It can definitely feel vulnerable sometimes, but a good dose of human contact is worth a little bit of vulnerability. 

Good luck changing your habits!  Sorry I can't offer a magic cure.  It's just like any other bad habit -- something you have to work on changing one day at a time until it finally becomes natural for you.

The Name

Hi Kate!

I’m pregnant with my first baby just like you! This is a happy and exciting time for my husband and me, especially now that my due date is so close. But there’s something that’s been causing some trouble between us: the name. Ever since we knew about the pregnancy, we decided that we weren’t going to name our kid after any of our relatives. We wanted something new that we both liked it, not the over-used names that we hate but our families thought we should pick. They’re pretty traditional when it comes to this stuff and they have this “rule” that says which name your first kid must have. Anyway, we made our own list which we managed to narrow down to 6 names. All was good.

Unfortunately, my husband’s grandpa died a month ago. He was very close to him and he’s having a hard time dealing with it. Now he wants to name our son after him. I must say I’m not pleased with the idea, in fact I hate it. This is the name we both hated 6 months ago. I understand his suffering. I know how much the death of his grandpa has affected him and I’m doing all I can to be there for him, but I think naming our son after him it’s too much. Things have been a little tense between us these last days due to this. Everybody seems to think I’m being unreasonable and selfish and that it’d be a nice gesture. I don’t think having a say in my son’s name is unreasonable. I don’t believe not wanting his name to be something I hate is selfish.

This is not the way I expected to spend the last three weeks of my pregnancy. His family is putting me under a lot of pressure and making me feel like I’m hurting their feelings. And he’s just not here. He’s been a wonderful partner during these 8 months but since his grandpa died I feel he’s not so invested in this pregnancy as he used to be. Is not the birth of our first son the best reason he could have to carry on? Sometimes I feel alone on this.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. I don’t feel comfortable telling my friends about this and I don’t know how to address these issues.

(I understand it if you don’t have time to reply with all the craziness preparing for your baby! I hope everything goes great for you!)

First, best of luck to you, your husband, and your little one! 

Now, to the point.  I think that you are being completely reasonable in both your desire to name your child something unique to your family, outside of the tradition, and also in your desire not to choose a name that you hate, no matter what other wonderful person had this name.  As far as his family goes, it doesn't matter if they don't like your choice and it doesn't matter if you hurt their feelings.  This is not their call.  They got to name their own children, and you get to name yours.  They'll get over it.  They'll love this baby and they'll learn to associate your name with all good things.  Don't let the guilt trips get to you.  As far as your husband goes, his opinion and input are actually quite important, so it is vital that you two work through this together and come to a conclusion that is suitable to you both.  

My husband and I have a policy of "spousal veto."  It applies to many, many things in our marriage, from the trivial to the important, and it has played a very active role in our naming process.  All you have to say to get a name off the list is "spousal veto," and that is that.  No vetoed name can stand, no matter how much one person loves it or wants it.  In a way, this is what you need -- to enact your spousal veto.  Unfortunately, your situation is considerably more delicate than mine, and I don't think that shouting out "spousal veto!" is particularly appropriate considering the sensitivity of the issue at hand.  Still, that is the message you have to get across: that the name you choose for your child has to be a collective decision, something you both feel positive about.  Your opinion on this matters no matter how deeply your husband is hurting, and there has to be some form of compromise so that you and your husband can both live with the name.

When you talk to your husband about this, it is important to express your desire to separate the love you have for the person who has passed from the live you hope to build for your child.  Explain that you understand your husband's grief and his loss and that you value his desire to honor his grandfather's memory and to celebrate his grandfather's life, but that you wish to look forward for this new child of yours, not backward, that you want him to be his own unique person, and that the name is incredibly important to that.  See if, together, you and your husband can think of some suitable and important way to recognize his grandfather in a way that give him whatever sense of closure and expresses whatever love he needs to express, separate from the name of your child. 

When coming to a compromise like this, you may be able to get away from the naming issue entirely.  That would be ideal for you.  You could help your husband find some charitable cause, for instance, to donate to on a regular basis in his grandfather's honor, or to create something beautiful in his grandfather's honor, like a poem or a piece of art, or to do something peaceful in his grandfather's memory, like spend a quiet day of contemplation somewhere his grandfather loved.  I hope that you can help your husband to find peace and to mourn and to honor his father in a way that is separate from your baby. 

There may be a heavier compromise involved on your end.  I don't know how you feel about middle names or expanding your six-name list, but there may be a way to work with naming that you feel good about.  Be creative.  Instead of using the exact name that you dislike, work with a letter or a syllable, or find another name that has the same meaning as the grandfather's name.  You can even find some sort of a symbol to represent the grandfather, and use that symbol to help you find a name.  For instance, thinking of my own grandfather, he loved the forest and he was a woodworker, a strong, solid man, so finding the name of a tree might help represent my grandfather in the name of my son.  Something like that would be a unique and highly personal way to carry on the grandfather's memory in the name of your son. 

I hope that you and your husband can make some progress here so that your husband gets what he needs in the way of closure while you and he also find a way to look forward to the unique and joyful new life that you are creating.  Don't feel guilty or petty for caring about the name of your son!  Do not name your son just for the sake of appeasing anybody else.  Do, however, really try to help your husband find a path to healing. 

I hope that this will help open him up and bring him closer, too.  I understand what you mean, that you need his support now.  This can be some pretty lonely, intimidating, scary stuff or it can be a time of great joy and excitement.  I wish you both the latter.  Cuddle up to him tonight, put his hand on your belly, and see if that baby, with his squirms and wiggles, can bring a smile to your husband's face again.  I hope so. 

Best wishes for all things healthy and happy.

Motivation

Hey Kate!

I'm a freshman in college and while I have always had this problem, it seems to be getting worse lately. The problem? I can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything, be it exercising, studying, or cleaning up my room. I'm not sure why. The only thing I can seem to do is sit in my room on my bed, on the computer, watching tv, or reading. I can occasionally force myself to study for exams and do homework, but only because I have to keep my grades up or risk losing my scholarship... and also I'm absolutely terrified of what my parents would think if my grades weren't up to par.

As for the exercising bit, we have a rec center on campus plus my apartment complex has a small area with some gym equipment, I just can't seem to motivate myself to actually get up and go. I used to be a cross country runner and had to stop due to issues with my ankle, but I want to start running again. I don't know why I can't seem to make myself go.

Like I said before, I've always had a really hard time motivating myself. Offering myself rewards, mentally yelling at myself, giving myself time limits, nothing seems to work. I kind of think it might have something to do with my feelings of depression that show up from time to time, especially in my current situation (but that's a whole other advice column!). But then again, maybe I'm just lazy and it's easier to sit here and do nothing. You seem like a hard worker who has her stuff together, so any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

RAS

If you feel that you are depressed, then this difficulty with motivation may very well be a symptom of the depression.  I strongly encourage you to seek some form of professional support as a first step.  If you're attending college, this may be easy.  There may be therapists on campus and making an appointment may be quick and free.  Call health services to ask about this.  Dealing with motivational difficulty is one thing.  Dealing with depression is quite another, and that is something you should get yourself support for.

I can offer you some tips on motivation.  Realize that this is all tied in.  Your inability to motivate yourself to exercise may be undermining your mental health and depriving you of the energy that you need to feel ambitious.  The less ambitious and optimistic you feel, the less you get done.  The less you get done, the more inadequate you feel.  The more inadequate you feel, the harder it is to get motivated.  It's a vicious cycle you're stuck in, and you have to break it in order to get back on track.

Start small.  Set yourself three achievable goals in a day.  I recommend starting with something like this: 

1. Get to the gym and do 20 minutes on a machine. 
2. Fold your laundry.
3. Attend your classes.  

For these three things, no excuses. Do whichever one is easiest first.  If class is scheduled first thing in the morning, then just get to class first.  Pat yourself on the back!  You're achieving your goals!  If class isn't until the afternoon, then just fold your laundry or do some other finite, small housekeeping task that you have to do.  Don't make your task "clean your room," because this is too big and too much at once.  Make it something much more manageable that you can actually get done in a half an hour if you just get up and do it.  When you do, check it off your list!  Something to feel good about!  As for the exercise, this is a most important detail.  Just getting to the gym is the hardest part.  Once you're there, doing 20 minutes on a machine won't be that hard. It's putting on the gym clothes, setting aside the time, and just going that's a struggle.  Don't think about it too hard, just do it.  The activity in and of itself should help you to feel good about yourself and help you to feel more positive and happy overall. This will help you to get more done in the future. 

Once you've done your three tasks, you may be feeling up to doing your homework too.  If so, great!  Strike while the iron is hot!  If not, just concentrate on the positive: you've achieved the day's goals.  Set three new ones for the next day.

I think that you might also benefit from companionship in some of your tasks.  Do you have a friend you can go to the gym with?  If so, you have someone to go for other than yourself, and this may help.  Do you have any classmates who do their homework together?  Ask if you can join them.  It will keep you on a schedule.  Sometimes peer pressure can be the best motivator.

You may also seek to eliminate some of the negative influences from your immediate space.  Block some of your most time consuming websites, or have a friend block them for you.  Delete addictive games from your hard drive.  Physically turn off the power on your computer when you are finding it hard to break away.  Get out of your space so that you break these bad habits and patterns.  It may be easier to do your homework at a big table in the library, away from distractions, than in your room with your computer beckoning you.

Overall, I think it's important that you seek help for your depressive tendencies, because these are surely contributing to your problem.  I also think it's vital that you set only a few, small, manageable goals for each day.  Do whatever you need to in terms of involving friends or eliminating distractions to achieve these few goals, then once you get them done, allow yourself to feel really good about it.  Don't get overwhelmed by everything you have to do at once, just bask in the good feeling of having done three things.  Tomorrow you can do three more.  In time, I think steps like these can help you break out of the stagnant pattern that you're in. 

Good luck!  Remember that we all get stuck in a rut sometimes.  Forgive yourself for that and move on.  You don't need to tackle everything at once, just committing yourself to doing one small thing can make a difference. 

PS: You may also be interested in this past entry.

Assorted Orgasm Advice

This is a really long question, so I'm going to break it up paragraph by paragraph.  I'm including the whole question because so many girls and women have trouble reaching orgasm in the early years of their sexuality, that I think it may benefit some readers to see one woman's entire breakdown of her situation.

Hi Kate,

Well, here's yet another orgasm situation. I really wanted a knowledgeable, outside perspective on this, and figured you'd be the perfect person to talk about this with. I'm in a loving relationship with a man who puts no pressure on me sexually and always makes me feel good, which I deeply appreciate. We are very open about sex, and he's said he's willing to try anything (that won't potentially damage the relationship) to get me to experience an orgasm. And I want to experience it so badly! However, I can't help but feel a little frustrated when I look for tips, and all I see is "touch the clit!", or "rub the g-spot!", or "masturbate!" etc. My clitoris is very small -- not that I would know by comparison, it just seems... really small. Too small to get any pleasure from. And I don't really get much pleasure from it, except when he's giving me oral, but even though it feels good, it's not intense enough to bring me to orgasm.

I'm glad you have such an open and caring relationship!  This bodes really well for the kind of work that you'll have to do to get your orgasms.  As for the clitoris, size doesn't matter.  I have a really tiny clitoris too (apologies for the TMI, readers), and it works just fine.  It's more a matter of figuring out what kind of stimulation works best for it.  Do you like direct contact?  If so, you may have to pull back on the clitoral hood to expose the clitoris.  Is that just way too sensitive?  If so, playing around the clitoral hood is better.  If you like oral, you may be enjoying a sucking sensation which is hard to reproduce with any other implement.  If it feels great, though, then your clitoris is working.  You're not broken. 

Oh, and yes, it is lame when people just say "find your g-spot!" as though that is a good enough answer for the female orgasm.  It may be enough for some, but for most, it's a whole lot more complicated than that!

As for the g-spot, there have been times when he's been going down and fingering me, which feels GREAT. There might have even been a few times when, if he went on for a while longer, I might have been able to come. But usually I end up initiating intercourse, either because I'm ready for that "full" feeling of him inside of me, or I begin losing sensation.

If you're getting these times when it feels great, then I think you are capable of orgasm.  You just have to learn how to manage these feelings more productively.  Sometimes that may mean deprivation -- not having sex even though you really want that full feeling.  Sometimes it may mean getting creative -- using a dildo instead of a finger while he continues to go down on you so that you can have it all.  When you start losing sensation, it's probably time to take a break, because pushing on through that won't get you your orgasm.  Next time around, see if he can tease you much longer and see if you can manage your mental state of arousal so that, once he actually starts to stimulate you in earnest, you are already farther progressed towards a climax than usual.  This may be all it takes, management of arousal and timing.

And that brings us to... masturbation. I don't care for it. I don't get anything from it; not only does it feel like a complete waste of time while I'm doing it, it doesn't feel all that great. I've tried vibrators and fingers, but it all does nothing. And I can never seem to get turned on by thinking kinky thoughts. I used to read a lot of erotic fiction, and for some reason I no longer derive any pleasure from it. Porn? It's interesting, occasionally fascinating, but it does nothing for me. I don't even get turned on. So masturbation's out.

In general, I think that masturbation is, hands-down, one of the best ways to work towards an orgasm.  If you know that it doesn't work for you, then I can't argue with that.  You know your body and your sexuality better than I do.  Sometimes these things come and go in cycles, though.  If you used to like erotic literature, it may titillate you again someday, and if it does, then take advantage of it and try to find the pleasure in the different sensations of masturbation.  If not, then that's fine, it just means that you'll have to put in all the practice with your boyfriend, and that might take a little longer.  No worries, though.  I'm still confident that you'll get there eventually.

Another possible factor -- my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and he is my first in terms of intercourse. We've discussed this recently, and we think that this may be one reason I have trouble reaching orgasm. We only see each other once a month, and although we've been together for over two years, maybe I haven't had enough sex to learn what I really like. I'm also on Yasmin, by the way.

Distance is definitely a factor here.  You can't practice regularly the way you could if you loved masturbation or if you lived with your boyfriend.  Again, this may mean it takes longer for you to figure out the orgasms reliably, but it will come eventually.

The yasmin may or may not be a factor.  Some women experience sex drive suppression on hormonal contraceptive -- not orgasm suppression, but decreased libido.  This could be contributing to your disinterest in solo-sexuality.  If you want to test this out, you may consider asking your doctor to switch to a lower dose hormonal contraceptive for a while and see if things change.  If you're happy on your BC, though, if it's working for you, then don't sweat it. 

Also (and I'm sorry this is turning into such a long-winded email!), is it unusual to have been molested but not have any real emotions from it, only "phantom" effects that manifest in subtle ways? Because I was molested when I was 12 by my abusive stepfather, but since then I haven't had any negative reaction to it. The act ended up with my mom divorcing him, which was what I'd been dreaming about for years. So in a way, my intense elation at my mother's and my freedom from that man eclipsed any distress I should have experienced from the molestation. My boyfriend and I are wondering if maybe my orgasm difficulties are actually a subconscious block left over from the molestation. If that's the case, I won't know what to do, because as far as I'm concerned, I've moved past it and am very happy. Talking to a therapist about it (again; the first time was neutral because I didn't really need it) would do nothing but make me feel like the event is still plaguing me, like a victim, when it's obviously not.

You know, I'm not a psychologist, and if you worry that there may be something deeper hidden in your psyche, you should probably seek out a therapist to help you tease it out.  I'm with you, though.  Different people respond to things differently.  It is tragic and awful that your stepfather abused you in this way, but if you have been able to grow and move on from that without harboring any major scars or pain, then wonderful!  I take that at face value.  It is entirely possible to live a normal live with a normal sexuality even after these kinds of events.  Does everyone?  Of course not.  But if you do, then you do, and that's great.  So many women have trouble reaching orgasm without any such past experiences, that I think your orgasm difficulties are probably pretty straightforward.  As always, though, if you want a professional opinion on this then you should definitely seek one out.

I really do think it's a good combination of the long distance/lack of experience and perhaps the birth control.

I don't really know what I'm looking for in terms of advice, but any insights you have on my little orgasmic issue would be much appreciated!

I hope that this answer helped!  I think that it's an issue of figuring out how to manage timing, titillation, and sensation.  Without being able to practice every day, this process is going to take a bit longer for you, but you've got a willing and able boyfriend, and a really good awareness of your body and sexuality.  I think it's just a matter of time and practice.  Don't make it a chore.  Don't put any more pressure on yourself than you need to.  Just enjoy exploring touch and pleasure and timing without too great a sense of urgency.  You'll get your orgasms eventually!

Stir Crazy

I lost my job back in March. Having zero income for months meant moving back home in July. I tried really hard to avoid it, but I couldn’t afford rent anymore even sharing a 3 bedroom apartment with 8 people. My parents were happy to have me back at home but I wasn’t and still am not. I’m a 24-years-old woman, very capable (if I do say so myself) and hard-working. I was good at my job and I loved it but I haven’t been able to find a new one. You may think I’m picky but I’m not. I’ve applied everywhere and have always been rejected.

These last months have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve reached a point that makes me worry about my mental sanity. I feel like I’m about to lose it all the time. Anxiety and stress have always been a struggle of mine but I managed to keep it under control. Not anymore. My parents and I get on pretty good but my grandparents live here too. My grandfather is a nice, sweet man. My grandmother, on the other hand, is a mean-spirited person. I know it sounds harsh and horrible, but all these years tell me so. My parents work, so I’m the one who cooks, does laundry...We could say I play the housewife role. She spends the whole day giving me orders, criticizing all I ever do and in general making me feel miserable. It’s not a matter of “she’s getting old”, she’s always been like this. She would do the same to my mom when I was a kid. She doesn’t value at all what I do and yells at me every time she considers I’m doing something wrong. If I ever say something, she says I’m a spoiled, bad-mannered child.

I really need to get out but without a job I have nowhere to go. I don’t know how long I will be able to stand it. I have frequent anxiety crisis, I’ve lost 15 pounds since July, I don’t get much sleep, I’m in a permanent bad mood and feel just miserable. Plus, my boyfriend, who is living in Australia, broke up with me via email because being with me had become too difficult lately.

This situation is making me feel useless. All the time I spent getting a good education, what for? My great GPA and my good references are not helping me. I’m the only one of my friends who’s unemployed. I don’t know what to do anymore.

First, just a quick reassurance that you are not the only one out of work right now, that being unemployed does not mean that you are inadequate or unqualified, and that a bad economy does not mean that you can't get a job, just that it might take a lot longer than usual to find one.  You may be the only one of your friends to be laid off, but I promise you that I know other smart, driven, capable people who are caught in much the same situation that you are.  It stinks, but it is not a blemish on your character, just a bad situation. 

I think that moving in with your family was a smart thing to do.  I'm so sorry that your grandmother is making it miserable for you.  Have you talked to your mom about this?  She may have developed coping mechanisms over the years, having to deal with such a difficult person all the time.  I agree that it is important for you to work your way out of the situation, but while you do that, I also think it is important for you to find effective ways to handle your grandmother.  It might help you to treat her like a child when she behaves badly.  Don't feed the bad attention seeking with your emotion, just say something like, "You mean, would you please get me a glass of water?"  I know it sounds ridiculous, but if she's being ridiculous, then she deserves it.  You are also well within your rights to tell her, "I don't appreciate the tone you're using with me." or "I'm sorry that you don't like the way I boil my pasta, but as long as I'm cooking dinner, I'm going to do it my way.  You're welcome to cook tomorrow night if you'd prefer your way."  None of this is out of line at all.

I encourage you to find ways to get out of the house a few nights a week.  Apply for jobs from the local library instead of from home.  Do you have any friends in the area?  Can you get yourself some social engagements?  Could you volunteer somewhere, just to get yourself out of this toxic space?  I know it won't help you find a job any quicker, but it might make you a little bit mentally healthier while you're applying.  Anything you can do to get out of the house and carve out your own little corner of sanity can help. 

Take care of your body, too. Schedule exercise into your day every day.  It will get you out of the house and help with your anxiety.  It will also likely help you sleep better.  Sometimes these little things can make a difference.

As for jobs, keep applying.  I don't know what your field is, so I don't really know any specific advice to give you here, but keep sending out those applications, keep asking around about job openings.  See if there are any careers that are similar in training to what you have, but maybe you haven't considered yet, for instance, I was trained as a scientist, but worked as a teacher for my first few years out of college.  If you teach at a boarding school, the pay is absolutely dismal, but you don't need certification and they house you on campus, which would solve your living situation woes.  Also consider seeking out hourly work.  My brother has been working as a tutor for about a year now.  It isn't a full time career, but it helps bring in some cash flow, and it actually led him to a job with the company of one of his tutoring families.  I used to babysit for extra cash.  I found families by putting up fliers at the local library.  Be creative.  Every little hourly job can help you save up for your great escape while you apply to more permanent, salaried positions.

Good luck.  I know it's discouraging.  I also know that this is finite.  You will find work.  You will move out.  Things will get better.  It's just a very rough patch right now, for you and for so many other people who are out of work.  I sincerely hope that this all happens sooner rather than later.  In the meantime, take good care of yourself and get out of the house as much as you possibly can.

First Kiss

Hi Kate,

I've been officially in a relationship with a guy, M, for about a week. He had asked me out on a date about two weeks before that, and were leading up to dating for a few months before that. My feeling is it's about time!

The problem - we haven't kissed yet. There has been hand holding and hugging, but no kissing, lips, cheek, or otherwise.

Thinking about it, I don't know if he's ever been kissed before (he's 25). I know he's slow at the whole dating thing, and likes to take his time. I'm ok with the slow pace, but really, I want him to just kiss me already.

I'm not afraid to be the one to initiate it...I'm just not sure how. Are there any non-awkward segues to use? Should I just lean in and expect him to cooperate?

Thanks for any advice or ideas you have :)

I like the idea of you initiating!  You may be right.  He may never have kissed anyone before.  (Don't laugh, readers!  Some awesome people get overlooked until 25!  I was a bit of a late bloomer myself, and so was my husband.) 

I can't promise non-awkwardness for my segues.  I think that any kiss initiation has the potential to be awesome and romantic, but also has the potential to feel self-conscious and silly and to be a little stilted.  If your kiss intro ends up more like a comedy of errors than a sweeping off of feet, then don't sweat it, the kiss itself should resolve things rather well.

Leaning in is a great, traditional, no-frills way to start off a kiss.  It can be problematic, though, if he is a good deal taller than you (or shorter, for that matter).  You might have to wait until you're sitting next to each other on the couch or something to gain access.  Alternately, you could guide him down to you by the collar of his shirt.  Too bold?  Guiding him gently with a hand behind his neck, fingers in his hair might be a bit subtler.  Plant your hand there if he's hugging you goodnight, then you're poised to try when he pulls back a bit.

Do you two ever cuddle?  This can be a great intro to kissing,  If you're sitting on his lap, or lying down facing each other, you can plant a peck on his forehead or hand or cheek or nose.  Add up all these little kisses and see if he responds.  If not, you can always move on to the lips yourself. 

Then there's the vocal demand.  Smile sweetly when he comes to pick you up on your next date, and tell him, "I'm not letting you go without a kiss tonight!"  Throw in a wink or a hand squeeze or whatever feels right. You want to be light-spirited and good-humored in your demand.  The goal is cute and flirty. 

I feel that I must mention one more thing.  This is not my greatest advice ever, but I do find it to be effective: do you two ever drink alcohol?  If not, then forget I said anything.  Certainly don't spike his drink or drug him to get your kiss.  Sober is a perfectly wonderful state for kissing.  If, however, you both enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage, it can't hurt to drink enough on your date to feel warm and relaxed, and for him to feel warm and relaxed too.  Don't overdo it!  You don't want either one of you to slur your speech or make bad decisions about driving or to get all sloppy and sick -- just enough to plow on through the embarrassed and awkward lead up to the kiss.  Once you're kissing, it will hardly matter, but a little bit of inhibition suppression may get you there faster. 

I hope that something in here helps.  This is one of those hurdles you only have to jump once, so no matter how awkward and funny it turns out the first time, you don't have to relive it.  It will come much more naturally and easily to you both on the subsequent kisses!

Good luck to you, getting your kiss, and good luck to your boyfriend, especially if this is his first kiss ever!

Love Lost

What do you do when the one you thought was THE ONE has somehow slipped through your fingers?

Everything seemed absolutely perfect. ... Things changed, and he grew cold and distant and we went on a break. ... He is now a senior and he just turned 22 and is having a bit of what I like to call a 'quarter-life crisis.' ... He wants to move far away. I think that if we were together for long enough and happy and secure, we could move somewhere new together, but even thinking about decisions like that scares him, understandably. So a week ago he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this point in his life. He doesn't want anything to complicate the big decisions that are already looming in his very-near future and he realized that in order to stop himself from becoming too serious about me, he had been treating me quite coldly. He says that he knows that I am everything he should want but is just too scared and too stressed and just 'can't do it.' ... He doesn't yet seem to realize that all relationships take work. He also doesn't realize that, rather than being a hinderance to him in these life decisions, I would like to help him and be there for him through it all and work through them WITH him. I have told him all of these things, and he has admitted to realizing that he is 'ruining a very good thing,' but he's just not at the point in his life where he can face these things head-on instead of bailing.

...The problem for me is that I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my whole (albeit not that long) life. ... Never in my life have I felt that someone was so right for me. With my other exes, I loved them deeply but didn't feel they were right for me and I certainly never thought I could spend the rest of my life with them. This was different. ...

I guess what I am asking is, how do I move on from such a great feeling? How do I accept that someone I know I could be with for the rest of my life is just at the edge of my reach? How do I get over the horrible feeling that I will never meet anyone I feel so strongly about ever again? And the worst of it all is I just miss him so much. We are in that period where, although we want to be friends, we have to avoid contact in order to get to a healthy level of not-feeling. It also deeply saddens me when I think about how I will never be able to kiss him, hold him, be with him, dance with him, touch him, etc. again. With my other exes this feeling wasn't so strong, because while the breakups hurt, they seemed like the best decision for all parties involved. This doesn't seem like the best decision, and that is making it hurt so much more.

Again, sorry this is so long. I'm just in a world of hurt and loneliness and I don't know how to accept it and move on. I miss him so much.

I'm sorry that I edited your story down.  I read the whole thing, but didn't want to re-post it all.  

I'm so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak right now.  My answer for this isn't going to be long.  Obviously you are going through a lot -- a lot of pain, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of uncertainty.  You have my sympathies for it all, but there is not much I can tell you about your situation that you don't already know.  Only this: if he isn't ready for this relationship, if he isn't ready to commit, then it means that it isn't perfect.  It's so, so hard to swallow that because you are giving your all, but at this point, anything further would have to come from him, and you just don't get to make that decision.  If he is choosing to move on, to detach, to move away, then the relationship isn't as perfect, as fulfilling, or as reciprocated as you ought to hope for in the long run.  I'm so sorry.  It hurts a lot to have to confront that.

As for how to heal?  I think you are doing the right thing, taking your space.  It's going to hurt for a while.  Things are going to be really sad for a while.  This is your period of morning.  You have to morn the loss of this relationship and the loss of all the expectations and hopes you had for your future with your boyfriend.  Treat it with a healthy amount of sadness, tears, and your friends' shoulders to cry on, but treat it, too, with a healthy amount of distraction.  Keep busy.  Go to your classes. Study hard.  Call up friends.  Make sure you don't get lonely for company in general.  You'll still be lonely for him, but if you can surround yourself with friends who make you laugh and feel loved, the world will be that much brighter.

Take care of your body too.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Get fresh air.  It's important to treat yourself well during hard times.

To your questions: I don't know exactly how people recover from heartbreak and loss, just that they do.  The human spirit is resilient.  Human closeness and connection is not a one-shot deal.  You may never love anyone in exactly the same way that you loved this man, but you are capable of loving other people in deep, meaningful, and unique ways -- and when one of those people is ready to love you back in equal commitment and enthusiasm, then you will find yourself a new love that is better than what you have experienced thus far.  It is so hard to see from here, but I promise you that it happens. 

This heartbreak will shape you and make you stronger.  Failure hurts, but it will teach you about relationships and what you want from life in a way that success never could.  It will help to shape future love (be it with this person or another person) to make that love unique and healthier than what has come before it.  You'll have to take it on faith for now, though.  It is impossible to see from where you are, but I assure you that you will see it someday.  In the meantime, take good care of yourself.  I wish you relief, resilience, and love.

Fear of Commitment

Hi Kate!

Let's talk about my fear of commitment, shall we? I've always been a very independent girl. The idea of getting married and spending the rest of my life with someone was not attractive at all to me. Even the thought of being in a serious relationship freaked me out. So while the rest of my girlfriends dated a bunch of guys, I was always the single one. Well, I did date a little, but I always found something wrong with guy or simply run away when I considered things were getting too serious for me.

Back to present day. I've been with someone for almost 2 years (that's a huge WOW for me) I never thought I would be this long with anyone, to be honest. It's taken a lot of work from both of us and patience on his part to make it work. I love him very much, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes I just can't help feeling anxious or scared about the whole long term relationship thing. I have doubts about myself and my ability to be a good girlfriend quite often. I get panicky thinking about the time we spend together or the fact that I'm losing my independence and will do it even more the longer we stay together. He's not possessive, pushy or controlling, not at all. He respects my independence and enjoys his as well, yet I cannot help feeling this way.

I know I've made good progress during the time we've been together. I remember the first weekend he stayed at my place. We'd been together for about 6 months. It's embarrassing to admit, but when I saw his toothbrush next to mine, I freaked out. It led to a big fight and we almost broke up. All this time later, here we are. I've met his parents and we've managed to overcome our problems keeping communication very open. I have a feeling he’s going to ask me to move in together. There are hints that make me believe so (or maybe I’m just overanalyzing.) He hasn’t said a word, but I can’t stop thinking about it. The idea of living with him scares me more than I will ever admit to anyone. A million what ifs come to my mind. I keep thinking that maybe I’m not cut out to be in a relationship. That he deserves better than a 25-years-old woman who is afraid of commitment and doesn’t know if she will ever be able to give him the future he wants. What I’m going to do if he asks me to live with him? I like the way everything’s now because I feel like I can control it and I’m used to it. But I’m afraid I will lose him if I say no, that he will get tired of waiting for something that may never come.

I have a friend who is just like you!  She's an awesome girl, but she definitely has a fear of commitment that threatens to sabotage her otherwise healthy relationship. 

I'm going to try to make this as simple and concise an answer as possible because I do believe that you are over-analyzing things and making them more complicated than they have to be.  Let's break this down into a few key points to help you organize your thoughts:

1. Fear should not be the deciding factor in any major life decision.  You need to balance other factors in this decision too, like love, affection, happiness, and a good, solid, rational assessment of what is reasonable and unreasonable.
2. 1. You should never move in with someone just because you are afraid that he will break up with you if you don't.  You should never marry someone for that reason either.
   2. You should not refuse to move in with someone just because you're afraid that you're a bad girlfriend.  (You might be interested in previous entry How to Be a Good Girlfriend.)
3. There are many ways to be a good girlfriend and have a healthy relationship.  He is with you because he wants to be with you.  If you are with him because you want to be with him, too, then that is a very good thing, and not something to be trifled with.
4. Avoiding commitment because you are afraid may restrict your life in myriad ways in the long run.  Eventually you have to face your fears.
5. It is important to examine your fears and ascertain how much of your fear is reasonable and well-founded, and how much is just you caught in a cycle of anxiety.  How much of it do you want to strive to let go? 
6. If you decide not to move in with him, then it will be absolutely reasonable of him to get upset, even to decide that he can't date a commitment-phobe anymore.  That wouldn't be strange or possessive or weird after several years of dating in your 20s.
7. If you decide that you can not possibly move in with him, then you are well within your rights to refuse.  This is, after all, your life.  I would recommend, though, taking active steps to confront some of your more neurotic freak-out tendencies so that you can show him that you are making an effort and that you are committed to him in some serious way, even if you're not ready to move in.
8. If you decide to move in with him, you have to make the leap of faith.  It is a willing surrender of control, and that probably makes you exceedingly uncomfortable, but it is an important skill to learn in the world of healthy, loving relationships.  You may well benefit from some form of support to help you through the transition and to help you gain confidence in yourself when living with your boyfriend.

Whether or not you decide to try moving in together, I think that your fear merits some sort of work.  Your anxiety about commitment is getting in the way of your life and it threatens to harm a relationship that you value.  It makes it difficult for you to clearly see what you want from this relationship, and difficult to navigate certain situations with your boyfriend like a team.  Those are indicators that you are ready for some sort of intervention.  

If you think that you want to talk out your hang-ups, for instance, if you want to get to the root of your fear, examine how your own family life might have played a role, examine healthy relationships that you admire among your friends, and work towards something similar for yourself, then I think a psychologist might be your best bet.  Therapy can really help some people in this respect.

If you would rather face this as a fear, a phobia, something to be worked on at the anxiety level, then I recommend hypnosis therapy.  People get hypnotic therapy for all kinds of anxieties and all kinds of life situations that involve letting go and learning to enjoy irrationally scary things.  I have been practicing hypnosis to prepare for childbirth in the coming months.  I can not speak for how well it helps with the pain, but I can tell you that it has helped SO much with my anxiety.  I am no longer afraid of something that used to terrify me.  Though moving in with your boyfriend may not seem much like pushing a baby out your vagina, if the underlying problem is irrational anxiety, then I think that the hypnosis could be as helpful for you as it has been for me.

I hope that you choose some form of therapeutic support, the sooner, the better.  When you do, you should tell your boyfriend about it.  He already knows you well enough to understand that commitment is an issue for you, and I think that it would mean a lot to him to know that you are taking positive steps to let go, investing your energy in this relationship.  It isn't giving up your independence.  It isn't changing who you are for someone else.  It's treating a problem that makes you more miserable than you have to be, one that clouds your ability to make beneficial life choices, and it is showing your love and commitment (in your own way) to a boyfriend whom you clearly value a lot. 

Good luck!  I know that this will take work, but I have faith that you can improve your situation over time and that clarity and reason will eventually weigh more heavily than fear and anxiety to inform a good decision.

Making Friends at College

I am extremely depressed now that I am at college. I find that I can not connect with anyone, or the people I can connect with are already with a group. I do not know what to do, please help. I am extremely sociable and am not shy.

I am sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time of it!  I assume from your post that this is your first year at school, so you have been there approximately five or six weeks.  If this is the case, you're still in transition.  I know it feels as though you should have friends by now.  I know it feels as though you should have made your connections and formed your bonds, but looking back at my first couple of months at college, I may have met people one month in, but I hadn't really made friends yet.  I remember feeling extremely isolated even among so many people.  I was friendly with some of the other girls in my dorm, but I wasn't exactly friends with anybody yet.  There was a lot of small talk and not a lot of serious bonding for a good couple of months.  If this feels lonely to you, you are in good company!  It felt lonely to me too.  I bet that you are surrounded by people who feel the same exact way, no matter how much happier they may look from the outside.  Even if you don't change anything about your approach, in another month or so, you will probably feel more connected and start to feel that you fit in better.  These things take time.

That said, it never hurts to take some active steps to move things along faster and make friends actively!  If you're friendly and sociable, then you're off to a great start.  A lot of what I'm going to suggest probably comes naturally to you.  

You sound discouraged that everyone else around you is in a group, and you feel that shuts you out socially.  In a way, perhaps it does.  People have grown accustomed to socializing with a small handful of people, and therefore they gravitate towards these familiar people because it feels easy and safe for them.  That might make the wall you have to climb a little higher if you want to get through to them.  On the other hand, though, they are not shutting you out on purpose.  Any avoidance is not because they don't want to be friends with you, only because they too feel awkward and isolated and afraid in this world of making friends, and they are choosing their most comfortable path towards connection: sticking with the familiar.  You can break through this by setting people at ease socially.  If you are naturally friendly and outgoing, then you probably already do this without even realizing it.  Smiling at people, introducing yourself, making a little joke, offering to help with a problem, commiserating over a hard assignment, noting a shared interest, proposing an activity together, any of that can help set someone at ease and help them take the risk of trying to be your friend.  As much as you, the outgoing person, fear social rejection, the average person you approach probably fears it 10x more.  Keep this in mind.  It holds true for people with a few friends, people in solid cliques, and lone wolves alike.  It's human nature.

You must make sure that you are exposing yourself to lots of people.  There is a community in your dorm, if you live in one.  There are communities in your classes.  There are clubs, sports, activities, all over campus full of their own communities.  Dive in, if you have not already.  Join a club that interests you!  Try out for a team or the orchestra or a play.  Volunteer to organize something in your dorm.  Look around you in your class and look at all the other people you encounter on a daily basis.  These are all potential friends.

Now get picky: who appeals to you?  Do you really admire that girl in your English class who always has the smartest comments?  Do you just love the way your next-door-neighbor has decorated her room?  Do you think that fellow in the dining hall is really funny?  Do you ever think, "Man, I wish I could be as cool as ____?"  If so, good.  Now you have a friend crush. That's your place to start.

I have a friend a year or two my junior who, after a full year in one clique at college, decided that she felt incredibly alone among her friends.  She wanted so badly to make new friends and branch out, but she didn't know how.  I remember telling her something like this:

It's like getting a date.  It's scary, and you have to put yourself out there and approach the person you find interesting and attractive (socially), and you have to be a little awkward and set yourself up for rejection, because you might say 'Want to grab a coffee after class?' and be denied -- but you have to try, or you'll never make progress.  Think of how happy you would feel if some nice person from your class or from your floor reached out to you and invited you to do something with her.  Think of how relieved you would feel!  Now, when you pick up your pluck and ask someone on this friend-date, don't assume that that person will automatically think you're weird, assume that that person is likely feeling very much the same way you are, and is just dying to make a new friend too.  If you get rejected, then you get rejected by that one person and it doesn't work out with that one person.  There are dozens and dozens of other people who would love to be your friend, so you try again and hopefully find one next time. 

When I look at my very best friends from college, and when I try to think of how we came to be friends, some of them seem really silly.  For instance, I made friends with one girl because she loved that I was wearing chartreuse pants the day I moved in, and I loved that she smiled at me really big all the time.  Were we BFFs six weeks into school?  No.  Not yet.  It took a while, but we're extremely close now.  Sometimes it's just a silly little thing like green pants that makes a connection for you.  You just never know what your connection will be.

Whatever you do, do not assume that a person in a clique will stay in that clique.  Do not assume that a person with friends has reached some sort of quota and is now limited to friendship only with those first few friends.  Do not assume that you are the only one who feels lonely.  I assure you, you are not.  I promise that this will get better.  I felt exactly the same way in my first couple of months at school, but I made friends eventually, some in groups and others singly -- fantastic friends.  Amazing friends.  Loyal friends.  The best friends.  I have faith that you will too.  Just keep putting yourself out there, being your fun self, and making yourself vulnerable when the time comes, because that is the fastest way to make deep human connections.