I'm having a sex issue. My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for over a year. At first it took him forever to come and there were several occasions that he never did. I made it my mission to get him to come as often as possible. Over the last few months it's become much more regular, almost an every time occurrence. I figured it was a combination of things, him being more comfortable, me working harder, and lots of foreplay on my side to warm him up.
It's been great, however, the last two times we've had sex he's been coming abruptly. I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth because I'm almost more excited when he comes than when I do, and I would have gladly traded my orgasm for his on those early nights. But I NEED my orgasm, especially after our foreplay sessions.
Should I scale back the sexy, the foreplay? The first time this happened was after a very long blow job, I kind of expected it. The last time I was just wearing a slip nightgown and we watched a movie together before going at it.
Maybe I'm just over thinking it, maybe it's just an off couple of weeks. My starving libido is clouding my judgment. Sex with myself just doesn't measure up.
So I guess my question is: Since he's coming more should I work a little less?
for the delay in my response! It's been a crazy week.
So he used to take forever to come, but now he's coming too soon? Looks as though you need to work towards some kind of compromise.
I'm not sure that I'd say that you should work less, but you probably should modify your foreplay so that it is more conducive to both of your sexual pleasure. If he is ejaculating prematurely, then he might not need as much physical touch before sex as you had been giving him before, when he took a long time to orgasm. If he is ejaculating prematurely before you even touch him, then he might want to work on orgasm control on his own time. I can outline a few things for you to try when with your boyfriend, and a few things for him to try on his own, too.
When you're with him, if you find that he is more sensitive or responsive to touch than he was before, try backing off of the most intense forms of stimulation during foreplay. Instead of giving him a blowjob or handjob before sex, tease him with your mouth or fingertips. Avoid touching the glans (the most sensitive part of the penis). Make foreplay a way to get him excited and eager for sex rather than progress towards his orgasm.
More importantly, if you are now having a hard time getting off within the shortened time limit, you should encourage more attention on yourself during foreplay. Oral sex for you, manual stimulation, whatever helps work you towards your orgasm would be a great investment of foreplay time. That way, you'll be closer to your own orgasm by the time you actually start having sex, and his shorter timing won't be as much of a problem.
There are times when it sounds as though his orgasm comes before you even start to have sex. Modifying his timing isn't something that you can do entirely for him, it's something that he has to practice on his own. The good news is that it is quite possible for him to develop better control over the timing of his orgasm through a few simple methods.
First, if he orgasms at the drop of a hat, he might want to try masturbating more often. Many men find that their first orgasm of the day comes more quickly than subsequent ones, so if he keeps up a healthy schedule of masturbation, then when he sees you, his early-trigger response may be suppressed.
When he practices this masturbation, he should also try to work towards restraining his orgasm so that he can develop the ability to hold back when he is having sex with you. One way to do this is to slow down or let up on stimulation when he nears his orgasm, back off the sensation, then work back up again slowly. He should also experiment with different kinds of tension in his body as he nears orgasm. Does relaxing his body help him back off and last longer? Does tensing certain muscles help? Another thing he may want to play with is whether or not he can, through clenching his pelvic floor muscles, retain his erection even after an orgasm. Some men can do this, others can not. It isn't any shame for him if he can't just keep his erection after his orgasm, but it might be something for him to play with to see if he can develop that particular trick. If he can, then it would matter less when he orgasms because he could continue to penetrate you until you come too. Masturbation needn't just be a means to a quick and dirty end for your boyfriend, he can use it as a tool to help hone his sexual control and improve your shared sex life.
I do not have a penis, so my words on male orgasm control are pieced together from things I have read and stories shared by some of my male friends over the years. I invite the male response to give more specific and helpful input on this matter than I can give. Please call me out if what I say is ridiculous, and please offer your own words of experience in turn!
My only final suggestion is that, while you two practice finding your cadence and coordinating your timing, you may consider other ways to help you reach your orgasm even if your boyfriend does come first. If you really like internal stimulation, perhaps he could switch to fingering you after he comes. If you're more of a clitoral girl, then there are any number of things that he could do to switch to stimulation of your clitoris and finish you off. If you need that fullness of having a penis, and a finger or clitoral stimulation just won't cut it, consider introducing some sort of toy into your shared sex life so that he can quickly switch from penis to toy when you need more time. Some men will be very sensitive on this issue, so introduce the idea in a way that makes him feel helpful and sexy -- the means to your orgasmic end -- rather than like an inadequate minute man, and don't choose a penetrative toy that dwarfs his penis. Unless he is totally on board and enthusiastic, that would definitely be bad sexual etiquette!
I have faith that you two will, with practice, work out better timing. The suggestions I have given will hopefully speed this process, but I think that you would figure it out on your own through trial and error eventually. After all, you and he solved your initial problem! You can solve this one too. Good luck to you both!
I realize this is an older entry, but I guess the topic is still valid. Ad a guy, I've tried lots of different tips'n tricks to control myself and hold back. You're on the spot about what's usually called the "stop and start technique", learning how to "edge", i.e. knowing where your limits are in terms of knowing when to slow down.
PC muscle excersizes are also important, they can help you hold back an ejaculation if they are excersized regularly, even if the intensity is high. A set of well trained pc muscles can even make it possible to ejaculate on command. This can be a source of sexual play, while he's training himself to last longer, why not spice things up by challenging him to only ejaculate when you tell him to? I know this works, because I've done it myself, after several years of doing excersizes and having playful time in bed, I'm now able to come within five seconds after she tells me to.
So my advice is: go train your endurance and have fun while doing it!
Posted by: M | September 27, 2011 at 02:06 PM