Coming Down Off Summer Love

I'm editing this to make it shorter and draw out the main points.  I did read the whole thing, though, poster!

Hi Kate,

 

My boyfriend and I met in August in Myrtle Beach. We never intended to end up dating. I was leaving the beach soon and had ties to someone else, he was still living with his his ex-girlfriend and her family. When we met the attraction was almost immediate. We couldn't deny it and we couldn't fight it. We fell hard and fast and we were a couple only a few days later. I had to leave from the beach and he promised to visit whenever he could. That turned out to be once over the next two months. Eventually after many false starts and much trepidation he moved in with me. Things have gone down hill from there.

[Summarizing:

The sex life fizzled.

There are still feelings for the ex-girlfriend (who was also a fiance).

He is flirts with other girls online in a way he doesn't flirt with you.

He wants you to initiate sex, but that is not your natural style, and when you do work up the assertiveness to initiate, he does not reciprocate.

He barely even kisses you and never cuddles.

You've talked about your sex issues, and he has blamed it on money issues, but now he puts the blame on you instead.

You feel that you have a lot of baggage that you're bringing to the relationship, and he claims that he wants to get you help, but you don't feel that's a possibility right now (at least not professional help), and you don't know what to do.]

Most recently all of our fights have been about the issues I have, he claims to be really concerned for my emotional and mental well being. He says that the issues I have frighten him that I'm going to end up doing something self destructive or dangerous and that basically if I weren't so crazy things would be better. He doesn't use the word crazy but I know thats what he's thinking and I'm not sure how to handle that.

I guess my question comes down to really, how do I undo all of the years of stuff thats pent up inside me that is ruining my relationship. I feel so helpless, so hopeless to fix myself or my relationship.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.  I'm not sure that it is a relationship worth fixing, either.  Look at what you've written.  You fell in love fast and hard and moved in together without really getting to know each other and all of your issues first.  He has baggage left over from his last relationship.  You have baggage from your life.  Neither of you really knew about the other's issues before you got together.

Now consider the issue of trust.  He is flirting with other women online and not giving you what you need in the way of affection.  That's a pretty big deal. You're snooping around on his computer to find this evidence.  That's a pretty big deal too.

As far as equality goes, there isn't much in this relationship.  I know that you mention being sexually submissive, but being submissive shouldn't mean that you are treated without respect in your relationship.  He's not reciprocating emotionally or sexually.  He's blaming you for all the troubles when, really, it's a two-way street.  He's hiding his online dealings with other women from you. 

It's not healthy.  It doesn't sound as though he respects you or values you in the way he should.  I believe him when he says he's worried about you, but I'm not sure I believe him if he's telling you he loves you.  The way he is treating you, it doesn't sound like love to me. 

Most relationships start out strong and passionate and in a whirlwind of giddy emotion.  Most relationships then have to survive the tempering of that emotion, for that giddy high is not sustainable over the long term.  Love may start out wild, but a healthy love calms as it matures.  Some relationships grow stronger through this transition.  Others don't survive it.  I want you to think really hard about whether or not yours ought to survive it.  If you are willing to put in the work on your side, perhaps by seeking ways to better manage this past that you elude to (therapy, lifestyle change, philosophical shift), then that is only half the battle.  He has to be willing to put in his work on the other side.  It doesn't sound as though he even realizes that this is something he ought to be doing, and for the relationship to survive, you're both going to have to embrace the effort.

I'm so sorry to be such a downer.  I know that you want to make this work and that you're trying.  Don't put yourself down so.  I'm difficult in a lot of ways too, but we're worthy of love and worthy of a healthy, gratifying relationship. 

My advice to you is to throw yourself fully into trying to gain stability in your own mental health, independent of this boyfriend.  Seek the support of friends and family and build yourself a strong network so that you don't rely on him as your only source of love and comfort and guidance.  If, for whatever reason, you can't seek professional help in the way of therapy or drug treatment, consider alternative sources of self-betterment like exercise for the endorphins, eliminating stimulants from your life for the stability, and maybe taking up something like yoga or religion that combines introspective meditation with a life philosophy shift.  These are ways in which you can chip away at your own issues.  As for the relationship, I hate to say it, but I think that you would do better if you moved out and put some distance between yourself and this man who is so thoroughly undermining your confidence.  I'm not saying he's a bad person, but it's pretty clear from your story that he isn't a constructive or uplifting force in your life right now, and that he isn't likely to be any time soon.
 

I'm so sorry.  I imagine that isn't at all what you want to hear, but it just sounds so thoroughly unhealthy that I wouldn't feel right encouraging you to pour your all into it.

Comments

[Anonymus]

Thanks Kate, I thought I'd give you an update on my situation. We had a huge fight a few days ago about the affection thing and I told him I couldn't deal with the lack of any sort of physical intamcy any longer and he said that he realized he'd been wrong and for a couple days things were getting better. He actually went out of his way to give me affection a few times. Then yesterday we made plans to spend an evening in drinking and playing rock band...then he decided to go out 'for just a couple hours' with a friend...there goes our evening. When I saw your response today to what I'd written that sealed it for me. I'll be moving out in a couple of weeks. Thanks for helping me see what I needed to do.