Unexpected Pregnancy

I'm not reprinting the entire story, but this question comes from a woman who got pregnant unexpectedly, while on birth control.  She and her boyfriend had been planning to marry in the future and did want children someday, but not right now.  They decided, together, that abortion is the best choice at this time.  If you are very affected by discussion of abortion, then you might want to skip this entry, because I support this choice in every way, and that may upset some readers.

From everything that I've read, medical abortion is still an option (mifepristone and misoprostol). This gives me some measure of comfort, but still scares me. I have no idea what to expect other than the small amount of information I've read, and I have no idea how bad the miscarriage is going to be. I have no idea how I'm going to feel afterward. I know that I cannot have a baby now, and yet I still feel like I'm doing the wrong thing somehow.

My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive, and I know that he and I ultimately agree on our choice even though it isn't easy for either of us. It's just hard for me to have a tiny glimpse of something that I know I want eventually, but to have to give it away because the timing is wrong. I read online that I'll have to have an ultrasound to confirm that I am less than eight weeks pregnant before I can be approved for medical abortion. I just went back and looked at your ultrasound picture from when you were first pregnant (about six weeks). I imagine that this is going to be heart-wrenching.

I'm sorry about the long note. I've been trying to put everything I'm feeling into words for a few days now, and I fail miserably each time. I never thought that I'd be having an abortion. Never. I'm just worried about the emotional effect it's going to have, what it might do to my relationship, how much it might hurt, all of the normal stuff, I guess. Things I never thought I'd have to worry about. I have the support of my boyfriend and best friend, but no one else knows.

I've always been very pro-choice, and always said that if I got pregnant before I was ready to have kids that I would have an abortion without hesitation. I still feel that way, but I didn't expect it to be nearly this hard.

Thanks for reading -

I'm so sorry that you had this particular surprise at a time when you are not ready for a child.  It's always so hard to know that you were being responsible by using birth control, and despite that planning, you were not able to protect yourself entirely from an unexpected pregnancy.  These things happen, and it isn't anyone's fault, just the way the statistics hash out.  I'm sorry you're on the wrong side of the math on this one. 

Due to the time-sensitive nature of this topic, and my inability to access my anonymous box for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if my words come too late to really help you, but I want to answer anyway.

I'm glad that you have come to a decision that works for you and your boyfriend and your plans for an eventual family.  I understand that it doesn't feel great, but I trust that you are looking at this in depth, from all angles, and making a sound choice with the help of both your emotions and your rational mind.  If I were in your shoes, I probably would make the same exact choice, for a very early, medicated abortion.  The physical consequence of medicated abortion is induced miscarriage, as you know.  I have never miscarried, so I welcome responses from women who have for more specific experience, but I would expect that you cramp severely and for a long time.  You will be having uterine contractions, and they hurt like bad menstrual cramps.  You may vomit.  There may be sharper pain if you're passing any clots of endometrium (uterine lining -- what you normally pass during your period). It won't feel good, but it also won't last forever.

I like the medicated abortion because it is the induction of an otherwise natural process.  Miscarriages happen spontaneously in nature, and the vast majority of the time, they do not harm the woman who has them.  Also, women have been inducing miscarriages through herbs and traditional medicine for thousands and thousands of years.  This is in no way new, we just benefit from the precision that modern medicine offers us.  We have finer control over this process than our ancestors, and we benefit from very sound medicine to support us if anything goes wrong.

Some women, however, might actually prefer a traditional abortion.  In a traditional abortion, you won't avoid all pain or cramping, but you will be able to treat it as a medical procedure, and that might feel better to you.  You won't have to do it at your home.  There is no risk of the abortion not working.  Also, if you are further along in your pregnancy, this method still works. 

At this point, before 8 weeks, the embryo is tiny and not far developed.  That ultrasound that you saw on my pregnancy blog was taken at 6 weeks.  It was 3 mm long and had a heartbeat, but nothing else to speak of.  No telling head end from tail end in the ultrasound, no fingers, no toes, no brain -- just the cells that would differentiate and divide to become all of those things with lots of time and lots of support from your body.  How you feel about seeing an ultrasound like this is going to be very personal.  For me, it was exciting.  I was having the ultrasound because I wanted to be pregnant and feared I was miscarrying, so for me and my husband, it was exciting and happy -- but I will tell you straight, I did not see a baby when I saw that embryo, and it does not hurt me to think that some other woman in some other circumstance might decide to end her pregnancy at that point. 

I can't tell you how you will feel after ending a pregnancy.  I completely understand your anguish over wanting something so badly... just not yet.  Timing is important.  Situation is important.  When you make a choice like this, you have to do what is best for your future family and for yourself, because if you put yourself in a situation of great hardship, you will not be able to be the best mother you can be.  I believe that abortion is sometimes the best choice for all involved. 

I don't know if you'll feel relief or regret -- I just know that complicated emotions are normal and healthy.  I know that just because you feel conflicted about a choice does not mean that it is the wrong choice.  I know that sometimes, the very best thing you can do in a tough situation is enormously difficult and painful. 

Maybe it will be hard for you, and maybe it will be a simple relief, but most likely you will feel mixed emotions.  There is no wrong response to something like this, you just have to let yourself feel what you need to feel, then work towards moving on so that you can build your future, your education and career, your life, and your family.  

I don't think anyone ever thinks she'll have to have an abortion.  I don't think anyone ever wants to have to make this choice and face an unexpected pregnancy.  I fully support you in this.  No matter how hard it is in the short term, you might find that choosing not to have this child brings you other children, well in the future, whom you won't be able to imagine living without.  Someday you will have your family and be the best mother that you can be.  It's okay if now is not that time.

Best wishes for good health and strength and resilience.