KateC Says...

Compromise

Hi Kate,

 

I'm hoping you can offer some advice.  Your blog recently discussed how to handle a long-distance relationship, and from reading this I know that you and your husband were long-distance for quite a while before he moved to the US.  I'm wondering how to handle the fact that my boyfriend just accepted a job offer in another state.  We're both in the same career field, one that lacks flexibility; jobs are scarce and regionally-based.  Essentially, we both have to move to our jobs, instead of finding jobs where we'd like to be.  To be blunt, I have no desire to move to that state where I am unlikely to find a job myself.  I have recently finished grad school, and I am crestfallen to have to have to make the decision: do I move with my boyfriend, or do I continue with my career path (which will probably take me elsewhere) and force us into a long-distance relationship?  Following him means (at least temporarily) abandoning my hard work to get to where I am in my own career.  In addition, I've had my heart set on moving back to be closer to my family, and moving with him will not bring me any closer to them.  Did your husband have any difficulty in deciding to leave his friends and family, to come to you in a brand new country?  I feel like I'm being ridiculously selfish.  I should be thrilled my boyfriend got offered this fabulous job- his dream job, really.  Instead I'm wallowing in self-pity that I can't have my cake and eat it too.    

Poster, I'm sorry that you're facing a tough decision.  Sometimes life throws us a little curve and forces us to compromise.  I don't blame you for feeling down about this!

To answer your question, I am certain that my husband felt it difficult to leave his family and friends to come live with me, but by the time he did it, I'm also certain that the decision was an easy one.  We faced our hardest decision when we entered our relationship knowing full-well that it would stretch on for a long time as a long-distance relationship so that we could both finish our educations.  When we stood where you are now, we chose to buckle down for the sake of our careers.  A few years later, the priorities shifted for us and it was time to put our relationship first. 

I can't tell you which choice is right for you right now.  I will tell you this, though: I think that long-distance relationships are most likely to work when there is an end in sight.  If you decide to move back home to be near your family and endure the distance for a while, you and your boyfriend should devise an end to that scenario -- maybe he moves to be with you after a while, or maybe you stick it out for one year, and if he still can't find work near you, you move to be with him.  It's important to have something to look forward to like that. 

On the other hand, if you do move to live with him in this new and undesirable local, outline a plan of escape for the two of you together, so that you needn't feel trapped there forever.

Talk it out with your boyfriend.  Figure out where your priorities lie, both as a couple, and also as a pair of individuals.  Talk plans and scenarios, and find something that you can both live with.  Think broadly, and cover some extreme possibilities (What if one of you were not to work for a time?  Switch professions?  Work together or at the same company?  What if you stayed apart for a few months?  A few years?)  Be aware that this conversation might be painful for both of you -- your not wanting to follow him to his new job might hurt his feelings.  Be ready to explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling about wanting to move back home, and be sure to help him to feel your love and commitment despite your hesitation to follow him to the ends of the earth. 

I'm sorry that I have no easy answer.  These things are so very personal, so specific to your relationship and your situation.  Whatever you choose, make the most of your compromise and work to improve your situation over the coming months and years.  Good luck to you and to your boyfriend at his new job!

Coming Down Off Summer Love

I'm editing this to make it shorter and draw out the main points.  I did read the whole thing, though, poster!

Hi Kate,

 

My boyfriend and I met in August in Myrtle Beach. We never intended to end up dating. I was leaving the beach soon and had ties to someone else, he was still living with his his ex-girlfriend and her family. When we met the attraction was almost immediate. We couldn't deny it and we couldn't fight it. We fell hard and fast and we were a couple only a few days later. I had to leave from the beach and he promised to visit whenever he could. That turned out to be once over the next two months. Eventually after many false starts and much trepidation he moved in with me. Things have gone down hill from there.

[Summarizing:

The sex life fizzled.

There are still feelings for the ex-girlfriend (who was also a fiance).

He is flirts with other girls online in a way he doesn't flirt with you.

He wants you to initiate sex, but that is not your natural style, and when you do work up the assertiveness to initiate, he does not reciprocate.

He barely even kisses you and never cuddles.

You've talked about your sex issues, and he has blamed it on money issues, but now he puts the blame on you instead.

You feel that you have a lot of baggage that you're bringing to the relationship, and he claims that he wants to get you help, but you don't feel that's a possibility right now (at least not professional help), and you don't know what to do.]

Most recently all of our fights have been about the issues I have, he claims to be really concerned for my emotional and mental well being. He says that the issues I have frighten him that I'm going to end up doing something self destructive or dangerous and that basically if I weren't so crazy things would be better. He doesn't use the word crazy but I know thats what he's thinking and I'm not sure how to handle that.

I guess my question comes down to really, how do I undo all of the years of stuff thats pent up inside me that is ruining my relationship. I feel so helpless, so hopeless to fix myself or my relationship.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.  I'm not sure that it is a relationship worth fixing, either.  Look at what you've written.  You fell in love fast and hard and moved in together without really getting to know each other and all of your issues first.  He has baggage left over from his last relationship.  You have baggage from your life.  Neither of you really knew about the other's issues before you got together.

Now consider the issue of trust.  He is flirting with other women online and not giving you what you need in the way of affection.  That's a pretty big deal. You're snooping around on his computer to find this evidence.  That's a pretty big deal too.

As far as equality goes, there isn't much in this relationship.  I know that you mention being sexually submissive, but being submissive shouldn't mean that you are treated without respect in your relationship.  He's not reciprocating emotionally or sexually.  He's blaming you for all the troubles when, really, it's a two-way street.  He's hiding his online dealings with other women from you. 

It's not healthy.  It doesn't sound as though he respects you or values you in the way he should.  I believe him when he says he's worried about you, but I'm not sure I believe him if he's telling you he loves you.  The way he is treating you, it doesn't sound like love to me. 

Most relationships start out strong and passionate and in a whirlwind of giddy emotion.  Most relationships then have to survive the tempering of that emotion, for that giddy high is not sustainable over the long term.  Love may start out wild, but a healthy love calms as it matures.  Some relationships grow stronger through this transition.  Others don't survive it.  I want you to think really hard about whether or not yours ought to survive it.  If you are willing to put in the work on your side, perhaps by seeking ways to better manage this past that you elude to (therapy, lifestyle change, philosophical shift), then that is only half the battle.  He has to be willing to put in his work on the other side.  It doesn't sound as though he even realizes that this is something he ought to be doing, and for the relationship to survive, you're both going to have to embrace the effort.

I'm so sorry to be such a downer.  I know that you want to make this work and that you're trying.  Don't put yourself down so.  I'm difficult in a lot of ways too, but we're worthy of love and worthy of a healthy, gratifying relationship. 

My advice to you is to throw yourself fully into trying to gain stability in your own mental health, independent of this boyfriend.  Seek the support of friends and family and build yourself a strong network so that you don't rely on him as your only source of love and comfort and guidance.  If, for whatever reason, you can't seek professional help in the way of therapy or drug treatment, consider alternative sources of self-betterment like exercise for the endorphins, eliminating stimulants from your life for the stability, and maybe taking up something like yoga or religion that combines introspective meditation with a life philosophy shift.  These are ways in which you can chip away at your own issues.  As for the relationship, I hate to say it, but I think that you would do better if you moved out and put some distance between yourself and this man who is so thoroughly undermining your confidence.  I'm not saying he's a bad person, but it's pretty clear from your story that he isn't a constructive or uplifting force in your life right now, and that he isn't likely to be any time soon.
 

I'm so sorry.  I imagine that isn't at all what you want to hear, but it just sounds so thoroughly unhealthy that I wouldn't feel right encouraging you to pour your all into it.

The Busy Busy Boyfriend

Apologies in advance.  This is a long question with a long story!  I'm editing it down to a more basic version.  Don't worry, G!  I read the whole thing!

Hi Kate,

About four months ago, I started a relationship with a great guy and fell in love with him. We are both in our last year of university, and previously, I had never seriously dated and actually enjoyed being single very much. He says he loves me. I do not doubt his sincerity, and when we are together, I think we are both very happy. This sounds wonderful, right?  The problem, though, is he has had very little time for me, almost since the very start. He has two passions, music and physics, and those, in addition to the fact that he has been applying and preparing for graduate programs, have left me lucky to even have an hour for lunch with him most days. [...]

Normally, I don't cry. [...] I didn't ever think I could cry over a boy.

Now though, it is as if I can't turn the spigot off whenever I am by myself for too long. What sets me off on a bout is thinking about how this is another day/night where I have been set aside for the sake of his future or his schoolwork or his sleep or his rehearsals. All of these are important - but where do I fit in? I always feel like a timer is set whenever we do get a chance to hang out or talk; he constantly has another thing to rush off to do, and I am just wicking away precious time. The feeling of being second (or last) priority makes me so miserable that I can't sleep at night.

[...]

I completely agree with him when he says that his future is too important to pass up, and that neither of us should give up our passions simply because we are in a relationship. I have tried not to show too much how our lack of time together affects me.

[...]

I keep thinking is that if we stay together, there will be something else that will be more important and more urgent than spending time with me. Also, regardless of how much more time we may have, I don’t trust that our time together will feel any less limited. [...]

We are good when we are together, and we have talked of being together for a long time – but the thoughts that haunt me at night are that he doesn’t contact me very much when we haven’t seen each other for a while, that I probably care more about him than he does about me, and that even if we do stay together after graduation and beyond, his career that will always come first. I have talked about how I feel to him a couple times before, although I feel guilty for bringing it up – he has listened, but he’s said he doesn’t know yet how to change things or whether he can change certain things. He’s changed some things since then – [but] It hasn’t been quite enough though, and I feel myself slowly detaching.

[...]

This is turning into a book, and I apologize. I have never been in a relationship before this one, and we do love each other. I am still crying though, I am still losing sleep, and I do not understand why or how to make the impulse go away. I also do not know how to ask for what I want (time) without feeling like a nag, and whether or not I am asking for too much. I would really appreciate your advice.

 

Thanks,

G

G, you are dating the absentminded professor!  It's a kind and likeable personality type, but definitely a busy and distracted one that fixates more easily and fiercely on things like music and physics than on interpersonal relationships.  That does not mean, though, that interpersonal relationships don't matter to him, and it does not mean that you do not matter to him.  I imagine that you are incredibly important to him.  I suspect that your fear that you love him more than he loves you is unfounded.

If you are to make it work, and I believe you can make it work, you and he have to come up with some better way to communicate your affections and to support each other in this relationship.  At the moment, it is clear that you are keeping a good deal of your worry from him for fear of driving him away or making him feel guilty or stifled.  You can't just bury it forever, though, or you will be miserable forever and nothing will ever change. 

Let's first look at what is reasonable and unreasonable in a healthy, adult, committed relationship that is looking ahead to the long term.  

I strongly believe that it is normal and healthy for one's priorities to change when he finds love.  I'm not talking about losing yourself to love, nor about completely dropping all of your dreams to be with the one you love.  I'm talking about life changing when you fall in love, and love being so important and significant that it can't help but reorder your priorities in some important way.  I believe that the vast majority of healthy, committed loves involve some sort of a change like this.  Don't be afraid to allow such a change in yourself and to expect it from your partner.

It is reasonable and healthy for you to want to spend more time with him than a lunch hour every day.  It is reasonable for you to want his full and undivided attention on a regular basis.  It is reasonable to expect that you will come first, before applications and assignments and orchestra and research, some of the time.  It is reasonable for you to want regular reminders of his affections for you and to need to feel his love whether or not he says "I love you" all of the time.  It is reasonable to expect that his life will change and somewhat shift now that he is in a serious relationship so that you are a greater part of it than when you were a stranger!

It would be unreasonable to expect him to entirely change who he is or to stop doing what he loves and to dote on you all the time.

I think you'll find that your desires fit within the first paragraph of healthy expectations.  You're being very reasonable in your expectations.  You don't want him to give up his life's ambitions or to quite all the things he loves, but you need more than you're getting right now.  We have to figure out a way to encourage this that works within the confines of your boyfriend's inherent personality and nature.

On his end, your boyfriend must open his eyes to the reality that love changes things.  It has to.  He can't just go on being exactly the same person and doing exactly the same things if he hopes to build a life with you.  He can't just look ahead at his five-year-plan as though it were a set of train tracks, something permanent and set from long before he met you that must be followed exactly as he always planned it lest he be derailed and rendered useless.  Things are different now.  He needs to learn to be flexible and to allow himself the joy there is to be experienced when he starts to change the way he invests his energy, to better balance his life and allow for love as well as his artistic and academic pursuits. 

Talk to him about it this way, in terms of growing up and exploring new and exciting avenues that one simply can't plan for.  Talk to him about there being only one life to live and the importance of enjoying his love in the moment as well as the importance (which he clearly already appreciates) of achieving goals.  Don't just give him a list like an ultimatum, because then he will check each item off of that list and it will fall flat.  The notes you mention, saying "I love you" more, it doesn't make you feel better because you know he's just doing it because you asked him to.  That is his personality: There's a problem?  Find a solution.  Use the solution.  Check, check.  Done, done.  That isn't how you work, and that's why it doesn't make you feel any better.  It's not that he doesn't mean it, just that doing what you ask him to do on a very specific level isn't actually what you're asking at all.  You're having a communication breakdown.  Try, instead, to help him to appreciate the general importance of greater flexibility and greater appreciation of the moment -- especially moments with you!

On your end, you're going to have to put in a little bit of effort to change the way you read his actions.  Right now you're pouring a huge amount of energy into suppressing your needs so as not to nag.  Instead, try to open up and let him know what you need, but then put some energy into acting as an interpreter.  When he makes an effort, it won't always be exactly what you wanted or exactly as you had hoped it would be.  Instead of shutting down to that, try to peel back the layers and see the love that sparked the gesture.  Some men are going to spend hours on the phone with you over Christmas break and tell you in great detail how much they miss you.  Others may barely even talk to you, but may think of you every night and make some less obvious gesture to let you know it.  Maybe it's something seemingly unromantic like buying you more memory for your computer for Christmas, but if he does it because he paid attention when you complained about your computer three months ago over a hurried lunch, that's important to recognize!  Doing so will not only encourage him to keep thinking about you and expressing his love in his own way, it will also keep you sane and help you sleep at night, understanding that he is telling you he loves you in his own personal language. 

G, know that most relationships have their issues, and many have communication and personality differences just like this one.  You're not crazy to feel the way you feel.  You're not possessive or a nag.  Your expectations are extremely reasonable and normal.  Your long-term fear that he will always be a workaholic is well-founded.  Try to work through it with him.  Try to find some sort of comfort and trust in his affections for you.  Try to get through to him to help him to shift his life balance and find the joy in moderation and a focus on personal relationships.  It's going to take a compromise, but you must invest the effort to get there.  If you don't, you will remain miserable, and nobody should stay indefinitely in a relationship that makes her utterly miserable!  I believe, though, that you can improve this.  Some things are worth working for.

Good luck to you and your absentminded professor!

Hi Kate,

A few months ago, a really close friend and I started dating guys that are also good friends with each other. The 4 of us would double-date occasionally and we all have other friends in common too that would often be included when we were hanging out. Things have been going great with my new boyfriend and me. I haven't felt the way I feel about him for anyone before - I see him in my life for a long time. My friend's guy, on the other hand (my new boyfriend's friend) totally just broke her heart. He was recently separated and going through a messy divorce and just not ready to be in a relationship. He's not a bad guy and has been nothing but completely honest with her. She knows intellectually that it is not personal, but she's incredibly depressed over this (not eating or sleeping well for over a week). She has a tendency to get attached fast and is taking it really hard. She also suffers from clinical depression, but is being treated. Anyway, I'd be worried about her even if the guy she's upset over weren't a good friend of my boyfriend's but the fact that he is makes it even harder. I am on cloud 9 with my new guy and of course want to be sharing my happiness with my friends, including her, but I also don't want to make her feel worse. Any advice on how to balance enjoying the amazing excitement of being newly in love with being there for a friend who is not only sad that she's not in a relationship herself, but is also trying to get over a guy who is so close to my boyfriend? To complicate things even more, my boyfriend and this guy are about to become roommates.

Any thoughts you have on the situation would be great.

Thank you!

Congratulations to you on finding this happiness with your new boyfriend!  That is fantastic.

You are very thoughtful and a very good friend to be concerned about how your new relationship affects your friend and her recent rejection.  I suspect that the very consideration that sparked this question has you behaving in a helpful and constructive manner with your friend even without my advice. 

On the one hand, I think that you should allow your happiness to be as public as you like!  Don't suppress it.  Be cheerful and let your joy and good spirit show.  New love is radiant, and I think you deserve to relish in it.  Good moods and optimism are also somewhat contagious.  I think that your friend might actually benefit from your happiness should you choose to share it with her.

On the other hand, it is important not to rub your love in her face.  She may well appreciate it if you keep your public displays of affection to smiles and fond gazes rather than kisses and lots of hand holding when you and your boyfriend are around her.  You also may wish to be mindful that you explore conversation topics beyond your love life.  That's not to say that you ought to avoid talking about your relationship with her -- I don't think that at all, just that you should be mindful that your relationship isn't the dominant topic of conversation every time you two get together.  Continue to explore other topics that you two have common interest in even as things are so wonderful and you want to gush about your boyfriend.

As for the rooming situation, just be sensitive that she may not want to get in situations where she might have to interact with your boyfriend's friend.  It sounds as though you are already tuned into that.  It doesn't mean not inviting her to things, just giving her the heads-up if he will be there so that she can come or decline as she likes, and making sure that you still see her in safe situations where there is no risk of running into this fellow.

Lastly, I think that it is very common for a young woman to fear that her friend who has recently found love will become so preoccupied with her relationship that her friendships suffer.  You haven't mentioned this fear, nor has she, but live on the presumption that it is there.  You needn't hide your happiness from your friend, but she will surely appreciate it if you continue to reach out to her and find time for her, just the two of you or just the girls, even with this wonderful new romantic element to your life.  A little effort like that may go a long way to helping her to feel loved and supported even during this difficult time.

Good luck!  You're a true friend to be so thoughtful.  Congratulations to you!  I hope that it continues to go well for you and your boyfriend and that your friend finds her own happiness in her own time.

First Kiss

Hi Kate,

I've been officially in a relationship with a guy, M, for about a week. He had asked me out on a date about two weeks before that, and were leading up to dating for a few months before that. My feeling is it's about time!

The problem - we haven't kissed yet. There has been hand holding and hugging, but no kissing, lips, cheek, or otherwise.

Thinking about it, I don't know if he's ever been kissed before (he's 25). I know he's slow at the whole dating thing, and likes to take his time. I'm ok with the slow pace, but really, I want him to just kiss me already.

I'm not afraid to be the one to initiate it...I'm just not sure how. Are there any non-awkward segues to use? Should I just lean in and expect him to cooperate?

Thanks for any advice or ideas you have :)

I like the idea of you initiating!  You may be right.  He may never have kissed anyone before.  (Don't laugh, readers!  Some awesome people get overlooked until 25!  I was a bit of a late bloomer myself, and so was my husband.) 

I can't promise non-awkwardness for my segues.  I think that any kiss initiation has the potential to be awesome and romantic, but also has the potential to feel self-conscious and silly and to be a little stilted.  If your kiss intro ends up more like a comedy of errors than a sweeping off of feet, then don't sweat it, the kiss itself should resolve things rather well.

Leaning in is a great, traditional, no-frills way to start off a kiss.  It can be problematic, though, if he is a good deal taller than you (or shorter, for that matter).  You might have to wait until you're sitting next to each other on the couch or something to gain access.  Alternately, you could guide him down to you by the collar of his shirt.  Too bold?  Guiding him gently with a hand behind his neck, fingers in his hair might be a bit subtler.  Plant your hand there if he's hugging you goodnight, then you're poised to try when he pulls back a bit.

Do you two ever cuddle?  This can be a great intro to kissing,  If you're sitting on his lap, or lying down facing each other, you can plant a peck on his forehead or hand or cheek or nose.  Add up all these little kisses and see if he responds.  If not, you can always move on to the lips yourself. 

Then there's the vocal demand.  Smile sweetly when he comes to pick you up on your next date, and tell him, "I'm not letting you go without a kiss tonight!"  Throw in a wink or a hand squeeze or whatever feels right. You want to be light-spirited and good-humored in your demand.  The goal is cute and flirty. 

I feel that I must mention one more thing.  This is not my greatest advice ever, but I do find it to be effective: do you two ever drink alcohol?  If not, then forget I said anything.  Certainly don't spike his drink or drug him to get your kiss.  Sober is a perfectly wonderful state for kissing.  If, however, you both enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage, it can't hurt to drink enough on your date to feel warm and relaxed, and for him to feel warm and relaxed too.  Don't overdo it!  You don't want either one of you to slur your speech or make bad decisions about driving or to get all sloppy and sick -- just enough to plow on through the embarrassed and awkward lead up to the kiss.  Once you're kissing, it will hardly matter, but a little bit of inhibition suppression may get you there faster. 

I hope that something in here helps.  This is one of those hurdles you only have to jump once, so no matter how awkward and funny it turns out the first time, you don't have to relive it.  It will come much more naturally and easily to you both on the subsequent kisses!

Good luck to you, getting your kiss, and good luck to your boyfriend, especially if this is his first kiss ever!

Love Lost

What do you do when the one you thought was THE ONE has somehow slipped through your fingers?

Everything seemed absolutely perfect. ... Things changed, and he grew cold and distant and we went on a break. ... He is now a senior and he just turned 22 and is having a bit of what I like to call a 'quarter-life crisis.' ... He wants to move far away. I think that if we were together for long enough and happy and secure, we could move somewhere new together, but even thinking about decisions like that scares him, understandably. So a week ago he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this point in his life. He doesn't want anything to complicate the big decisions that are already looming in his very-near future and he realized that in order to stop himself from becoming too serious about me, he had been treating me quite coldly. He says that he knows that I am everything he should want but is just too scared and too stressed and just 'can't do it.' ... He doesn't yet seem to realize that all relationships take work. He also doesn't realize that, rather than being a hinderance to him in these life decisions, I would like to help him and be there for him through it all and work through them WITH him. I have told him all of these things, and he has admitted to realizing that he is 'ruining a very good thing,' but he's just not at the point in his life where he can face these things head-on instead of bailing.

...The problem for me is that I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my whole (albeit not that long) life. ... Never in my life have I felt that someone was so right for me. With my other exes, I loved them deeply but didn't feel they were right for me and I certainly never thought I could spend the rest of my life with them. This was different. ...

I guess what I am asking is, how do I move on from such a great feeling? How do I accept that someone I know I could be with for the rest of my life is just at the edge of my reach? How do I get over the horrible feeling that I will never meet anyone I feel so strongly about ever again? And the worst of it all is I just miss him so much. We are in that period where, although we want to be friends, we have to avoid contact in order to get to a healthy level of not-feeling. It also deeply saddens me when I think about how I will never be able to kiss him, hold him, be with him, dance with him, touch him, etc. again. With my other exes this feeling wasn't so strong, because while the breakups hurt, they seemed like the best decision for all parties involved. This doesn't seem like the best decision, and that is making it hurt so much more.

Again, sorry this is so long. I'm just in a world of hurt and loneliness and I don't know how to accept it and move on. I miss him so much.

I'm sorry that I edited your story down.  I read the whole thing, but didn't want to re-post it all.  

I'm so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak right now.  My answer for this isn't going to be long.  Obviously you are going through a lot -- a lot of pain, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of uncertainty.  You have my sympathies for it all, but there is not much I can tell you about your situation that you don't already know.  Only this: if he isn't ready for this relationship, if he isn't ready to commit, then it means that it isn't perfect.  It's so, so hard to swallow that because you are giving your all, but at this point, anything further would have to come from him, and you just don't get to make that decision.  If he is choosing to move on, to detach, to move away, then the relationship isn't as perfect, as fulfilling, or as reciprocated as you ought to hope for in the long run.  I'm so sorry.  It hurts a lot to have to confront that.

As for how to heal?  I think you are doing the right thing, taking your space.  It's going to hurt for a while.  Things are going to be really sad for a while.  This is your period of morning.  You have to morn the loss of this relationship and the loss of all the expectations and hopes you had for your future with your boyfriend.  Treat it with a healthy amount of sadness, tears, and your friends' shoulders to cry on, but treat it, too, with a healthy amount of distraction.  Keep busy.  Go to your classes. Study hard.  Call up friends.  Make sure you don't get lonely for company in general.  You'll still be lonely for him, but if you can surround yourself with friends who make you laugh and feel loved, the world will be that much brighter.

Take care of your body too.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Get fresh air.  It's important to treat yourself well during hard times.

To your questions: I don't know exactly how people recover from heartbreak and loss, just that they do.  The human spirit is resilient.  Human closeness and connection is not a one-shot deal.  You may never love anyone in exactly the same way that you loved this man, but you are capable of loving other people in deep, meaningful, and unique ways -- and when one of those people is ready to love you back in equal commitment and enthusiasm, then you will find yourself a new love that is better than what you have experienced thus far.  It is so hard to see from here, but I promise you that it happens. 

This heartbreak will shape you and make you stronger.  Failure hurts, but it will teach you about relationships and what you want from life in a way that success never could.  It will help to shape future love (be it with this person or another person) to make that love unique and healthier than what has come before it.  You'll have to take it on faith for now, though.  It is impossible to see from where you are, but I assure you that you will see it someday.  In the meantime, take good care of yourself.  I wish you relief, resilience, and love.

Relationship-Live Balance

Dear Kate,

I am having some culture-specific romantic problems. My boyfriend and I have gotten into several arguments over the frequency of contact we have with one another. When I was living in the US, I dated men who had a lot going on in their lives, and as a consequence we saw each other about twice a week, and contacted each other via phone or instant messaging of some kind, one or two additional times per week. This seemed normal to me.

My current boyfriend, on the other hand, expects much more contact than that. We see each other every weekend, and usually we text message back and forth about ten times a day, and talk on the phone or skype 1-2 hours at night. Sometimes this is okay, but I work full-time and I also take classes every day, so I am very busy and stressed, and I have homework that I need to get done when I arrive home, after a grueling 12-hour day. But if we don’t talk for the requisite two hours at night, or if I am busy at work and don’t have enough time to text-message him, he either gets angry with me for not putting enough effort into the relationship, or thinks I am angry with him.

At first I thought he was being unreasonable, but everyone I have spoken to from his culture (where I live) says that this is a normal expectation for long-term relationships. But it is exhausting. I thoroughly enjoy our conversations, but it really bothers me that I am expected to put in this quantity of contact time with my significant other, to the extent that it has started to feel like an additional part-time job.

We have been dating for almost a year, and in general I am very happy with him. We are even considering getting married. But I don’t want my relationship to come with this much pressure. How can we compromise, or alternatively, how can I adapt to the culture and maintain this high level of communication, without completely draining my energy?

Like so many relationship problems, this one should be resolved with compromise.  You can't just give up on your classes and job in order to give however much time your boyfriend demands, but it is important to devote enough attention to him that he feels confident in your affection and fulfilled in the relationship.

There is a cultural difference here, and that is important to recognize, but it is also important that you treat the relationship as being between two individuals and not just two cultures. You need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend.  Explain that you have identified this difference in your cultures and difference in your expectations.  Explain that you feel completely drained trying to juggle all of your many obligations, and that you are afraid that your relationship is taking a toll on other important parts of your life.  Explain that you feel deep affection for him, that you like his company, that you love to be with him.  Explain, too, that even though this relationship is a big part of who you are, it is important for the both of you to maintain your independence and operate as two, full, unique individuals in synchrony rather than as a unit.  See if the two of you can work out some sort of compromise.

From his end, your boyfriend needs to learn how to measure the success of his relationship in quality rather than quantity of contact.  He needs to gain confidence in you and understand that, if you don't call him as much as you used to, it doesn't mean that you love him less, just that you are busy.  He needs to have this faith in you and in your relationship.

From your end, I think that you should try to have some sort of contact with him daily, though not all day and not necessarily for two hours a day. Make a habit of emailing or texting in the morning, and calling in the evening, but warning him up front about when you can talk for hours, and when you just wanted to hear his voice and say hello before calling it an early night. 

You should also do what you can to help him develop confidence in the relationship despite the slightly restricted contact.  The time that you devote to him, make it count.  Try to call him when you aren't feeling pressured, when you aren't feeling resentful or stressed, when you're able to just let go and enjoy the conversation.  Make sure that you reassure him of your affections through your attention to his concerns and your open display of enjoying his company.  This might make it easier for him to feel confident when, after 30 minutes on the phone, you say that you have to go, but can't wait to see him this weekend. 

Good luck with it all! It sounds like a tricky and difficult situation.  I hope that you are able to work something out together that keeps your boyfriend feeling safe and happy in the relationship, but doesn't drain your energy from other important aspects of your life.

Stress, The Mood Killer

Hi Kate!

Lately my very sexual self has turned into an "I'm not in the mood" person due to the stress my job is causing me. The 7-9 times a week are gone. Now it's once a week (if that) and when we do it, I'm not really into it. It's not that I feel obligated to do it, which I don't, I wanna do it but I'm not capable of forgetting all my worries and enjoying it. This means I don't orgasm. I don't worry too much about it. My sexual life has been very satisfying since I'm with him and I'd never had trouble reaching orgasm. I know my libido will be back to normal once I'm done with this damn project in a couple of weeks and lack of orgasming will no longer be a problem.

So why am I here then? My boyfriend thinks it's a big deal. He believes it's about him, that he may be doing something wrong. Of course he's not! I try to reassure him and let him know how attracted I feel to him, but stress is taking a toll on me and he may have to satisfy his needs on his own. I don't think I convinced him though. I can see he feels insecure and I hate that I don't have more time to spend with him.

What can I do to convince him that it's not about him?

You are off to a good start.  This is a problem of communication.  Your sex drive has changed in a way that you understand well, with a source that is short-term and will solve itself in a matter of weeks.  In the meantime your boyfriend is left feeling as though he is doing something wrong.  You know that he is not doing anything wrong, but that your body won't let you enjoy sex as much when you're so stressed out.  Telling him this point blank was the right thing to do, but it appears that it is not enough to set him at ease.

Stress can take a toll on men too.  You might try to relate to him on this level of personal experience.  Ask him if he has ever been so stressed out that he just wasn't able to let go and enjoy the things that usually bring him pleasure.  Explain that this is how you feel right now, and that sex is one aspect that has taken a hit.  The effect should be quite temporary, but for now, your stress levels make it very hard for you to stop your brain for long enough to just enjoy sensations of touch.  The female orgasm is wrapped up in the psyche.  If your mind is in overdrive on your project, it might just not be possible to enjoy sex, let alone reach orgasm.  That is clearly no fault of your boyfriend's.  His physical technique might be masterful, but it won't make any difference if you can't let go of your stress to enjoy it.  Make this much clear.

Your boyfriend might be one of those people who is not satisfied to just have a problem explained to him.  I sense that he wishes to find a solution.  There is your plan to wait out the situation, knowing that the stress will dissipate.  I agree that this is a perfectly suitable solution, it will almost certainly work, but it isn't one that allows your boyfriend to help in the progress.  We should come up with some ways in which your boyfriend can help you to relax and confront the source of the sexual disinterest: the stress itself.  I doubt that this will immediately get you back to 7-9 orgasmic sexings a week, but it might make him feel as though he is doing something right and it might introduce the opportunity for a few genuinely positive sexual experiences even during this stressful time.

Suggest some ways in which he might help to alleviate your stress.  Some people relax very well with massage.  Ask him to put on some relaxing music and massage you one night to help get work off your mind. 

I always relax better if I see sources of worry knocked off my list.  For instance, coming home to find that my husband has prepared dinner or vacuumed the house would be a huge relief to me in a stressful time.  It would be even better if he sent me off to do a few yoga poses while he did the dishes.  To me, that would be better than a full-body massage, just knowing that I was being looked after and that I could stop thinking about some of my usual chores.  It might open up the opportunity for me to let go of my day and really enjoy his company, even if things were terrible at work.

I don't know how that would sound to your boyfriend... "Wait, you mean no sex AND I have to cook dinner?" but if he is looking for ways to help, present him with options.  Let him help you, and make a concerted effort to use your extra time to let go of your busy day and put yourself in your at-home head space.  After that, cuddle it up and see what feels good.  Even if you're not up for sex, just the show of affection might be enough to set him a bit at ease if he is worrying about your feelings for him.

In the end, I believe that you are right.  This, too, shall pass.  Over the next few weeks, though, while things remain hectic, let your boyfriend help you with your daily grind in any way that he can.  When you get home, leave work at the office and try to enjoy your boyfriend's company.  Don't push the sex, but do make an effort to show your affection and appreciation for your boyfriend.  Instead of trying to have sex every day, just try to relax and enjoy his company every day.  Let sex happens when it comes naturally again.  Hopefully you can at least foster closeness with your boyfriend and manage your stress a little bit better even during this difficult time. 

Good luck!  I hope that your project goes smoothly and I hope that your boyfriend realizes that he is valued even if your libido is temporarily stifled.

"He's No Good for You"

So here I am looking for an objective opinion. My boyfriend and I are having a break or something like that. I'm staying with my family for a couple of weeks and he's visiting his and we plan to talk about "us" when we both get back. Anyway, my family and friends are pressuring me to break up with him for good. They've never liked him and keep saying how I deserve so much better. We had a fight before I came home. Things got quite heated and he ended up slapping and leaving marks on my wrists and neck. I was scared, so I left and asked a friend to come and pick me. Now everybody knows and they don't want me to see him again.

I think they're overreacting. That was the first time such thing happened in almost 2 years and he apologized a million times. I love him and I know he loves me too. He has a strong character and sometimes he can get a little out of control, but that doesn't mean he's abusive.

What's your opinion as an outsider?

My opinion is this:

When the people in your life who love you the most and who have known you the longest come to you with concern about your romantic relationship, you should take notice.  Your friends and your family most likely know you thoroughly and candidly.  They love you and care about you.  They have your best interest at heart.  They are not trying to warn you for their own entertainment.  When your family members and friends all echo similar warnings about your relationship, you should listen and consider their words carefully and openly.

I realize that you probably think that you know your boyfriend better than they ever could.  I assume that you care about him deeply and feel very tied to him by any number of factors: attraction, love, devotion.  You may assume that this makes you the best person to judge this situation -- that nobody else understands him but you.  Consider that you might, in reality, be a rather poor judge of your own situation.  You may be making yourself blind to the importance of his faults.  You may be overlooking the sacrifices that you make in character and in lifestyle in order to appease his "strong character."  You might be losing some of yourself to him and not even notice.  Your family and friends have an outside perspective, and it is an important one in considering the health of your relationship.  Sometimes it is hard to read the warning signs when you are the one caught up in an unhealthy cycle. 

As for the hitting, I do not think that hitting is ever appropriate in a relationship.  Not ever.  I can not tell from your wording if he has done this before, just not for a couple of years, or if this is the absolute first time for physical violence.  To be frank, I don't think that it matters.  If your partner makes you feel threatened and scared for your physical safety, once is enough, and you should not just shrug it off and make light of it.  His inability to control his emotions and deal with his anger in a peaceful and respectful way is a serious problem.

Keeping space from your boyfriend for a few weeks is a good idea.  During that time, I encourage you to read through lists of the warning signs of an abusive relationship.  I can not tell from your story whether your boyfriend has anger management issues or whether he has an abusive personality type.  It is important to make the distinction if you have any intention of ever even speaking to him again.  Sit down with a friend or family member who loves you and cares about you and has expressed concern, and go through the list together, with both you and the loved one answering each question about your boyfriend.  Some questions to consider:

• Is your boyfriend a jealous person?
• Does he try to control your time?
• Does he insult or belittle you and eat away at your confidence?
• Does he ever try to limit your contact with friends or family members?
• Has he ever tried to limit your time spent on your own personal and professional activities?
• Does he ever try to control the way you dress?
• Has your boyfriend ever coerced or forced you to do sexual things you did not want to do?
• Do you ever fear for your safety when he is around?
• When he loses his temper and becomes emotionally or physically abusive, does he ever try to blame you for his inappropriate behavior?  (e.g. I only hit you because you made me so mad! You shouldn't make me angry!)

Jealousy, isolation, control of your life and your contacts, inability to control his temper, and a habit of belittlement and humiliation are all warning signs of an abusive relationship, and tend to be present before the escalation of violence.  If you or your friends and family recognize these trends, then you will do best to heed the warnings and leave him, no matter how much you love him.

If none of these concerns fit your boyfriend except for the temper control, then he may not be an abusive personality type, but I think it's safe to say that he has a serious anger management problem.  I wouldn't spend one more minute with him until he agrees to confront this problem with professional help and work on learning better coping mechanisms than slapping his girlfriend around. Therapists and anger management support groups may help, but the change has to come from him. 

Your family loves you and has your best interest at heart when they express their concerns about your relationship.  I sense that you think they were already against him before this incident, and that their dislike for him has undermined your trust in their opinions.  Consider that their dislike for him has probably been based in his treatment of you all along, and if so, should not be ignored.  These people love you and they are most likely to get upset at a partner who does not properly cherish you. 

I think that you should listen to your family again, this time, with an open mind and no defenses.  Your family and friends are not overreacting at all.  Your boyfriend hitting you is a very big deal.  There are plenty of strong-willed passionate people in this world who treat their partners gently and respectfully, even in the height of their anger.  You ought to take whatever steps you need to take to ensure that you end up with a partner who is characterized by this gentility and respectful nature, for that is the kind of love that you deserve.

How to Be A Girlfriend

I don't know how to be a girlfriend, I really don't. I'm 25 and started seeing him about 6 months ago. This is my first, let's say serious relationships. Until now, I'd never felt the desire to pursue a romantic relationship with any men. My previous "relationships" were simply fuck buddies or FWB. So now that I am with someone I feel sort of lost. I'm not used to taking someone's feelings into consideration. All my life I've been very independent, I had sex when I wanted to and then I left, no attachments, no pressure. So this relationship thing is very new and weird to me. Obviously I want to be with him, he's the first person who has made me feel like this. But I feel like no matter how hard I try, I always end up screwing up. I don't believe I'm girlfriend material. Maybe some people are better alone and don't know how to function with someone else? I don't know.
Besides, I don't understand why he likes me. I'm forgetful, not the most affectionate person in the world, moody and sometimes unstable. But yet he keeps coming back to me and telling I'm the only one he wants to be with. Why? I'm sure he could have someone so much better than me.

Do you think you can understand my rambling? Anything would be appreciated!

I too used to feel as though I wasn't cut out for partnership, not so much because of the restriction of my sexuality, but because of my personality.  I didn't feel that I knew how to be a partner.  What changed?  I met someone I wanted to date and I realized that a partner is, first and foremost, a friend.  I knew perfectly well how to be a good friend, and I expect that you do too.

This is not to say that I am the perfect girlfriend or wife.  Far from it.  I am still moody, irritable, and impatient.  I am self-centered, opinionated, and stubborn.  I am not a particularly sensitive or affectionate person.  I can be a nag.  In short, I am a piece of work!  Fortunately for me, my husband, and my marriage, I am more than the sum of my very worst character traits.  So are you!  We are well-rounded people.  I believe you when you say that you're forgetful, moody, unstable, physically imperfect, and that you make mistakes.  I also believe your boyfriend when he says you're the only one he wants to be with.  He sees more to you than just those worst traits, and rightly so.  There is far more to you to see!

So how can even the least perfect of us make good girlfriends?  It takes a bit of work, a bit of letting go, and a lot of learning to enjoy the moment. 

Work at your bad character traits, your poor behavior trends, and your imperfections.  Treat your boyfriend like a friend.  It can be hard.  You're more emotionally wrapped up with him than you are with a platonic friend.  It's easier to get annoyed and lose your temper.  It is easier to be mean and bitter.  It's easier to take what he has to say to heart or to get upset with some of his behavior.  Every time you find yourself getting upset with your boyfriend or treating him ill, ask  yourself "would I treat my best friend this way?"  Or perhaps, "would I let anyone else talk to me this way?"  If the answer is no, then you have lost your temper and that you need to step back and start over.  You can never make yourself perfect, but you can work towards better controlling the way you express your bad moods, and to cultivating a tone of respect in your relationship.  This is what I mean by treating your partner like a friend: you have to always work to keep a gentle and respectful tone in all of your discourse, no matter how peeved or stressed you get. 

It is important to work towards letting go of your insecurities and anxieties so that you can live in the moment with your boyfriend, appreciating his company rather than always over-thinking this partnership.  Trust that your boyfriend likes you and wants to be with you.  Concentrate on how you like him and how nice it feels to be with him.  This will make you a happier person, which is good for you and your relationship!

As for the sexual component, take it as it comes.  You are learning how to do this.  Obviously, don't cheat.  You have trust in this relationship, and it is important to do your part to maintain that trust.  Monogamy may be a bit new to you, but it isn't hard.  It just requires a little bit of impulse control around other people and a good dose of communication with your partner.  There will be times when your sex drives do not match up perfectly.  For the dry spells, cultivate patience and encourage individual sexuality like masturbation to get you both through.  The sex will come around again.  There will be times when everything seems to match just right, and all that practice that you've had with each other and the connection that you have developed between you makes the sex amazing.  Enjoy every moment!

It's okay to be an imperfect person -- in fact, it's inevitable.  It's okay to doubt yourself sometimes.  It would be unhealthy to let those doubts spoil your relationship.  Cultivate a respectful and sensitive tone with your boyfriend.  Allow yourself to enjoy his company and his partnership.  Don't waste so much energy wondering if you're cut out to be a girlfriend.  You don't have to be a perfect person for him.  You are an interesting and complex person, and you are the person he chooses to be with.  You already are his girlfriend.  Instead of worrying about it, learn to sit back and enjoy this.  Have a little bit of faith in yourself.  You're doing just fine!  Be yourself, and being his girlfriend will happen, one day at a time.